slow motion over a period of years with financial ruin, my mom’s mental collapse and homelessness, and my precious older brother dying of a drug overdose among many other things.

 

An awkward, fear-fueled outlier, I was a consummate, overly responsible good girl who tried hard to fix my family, myself and others—a futile and exhausting job. As a result, I lived a angst-filled double life, seeking comfort in an uneasy ambition to succeed, obsessive control, dysfunctional relationships, drinking, and other idols, all of which left me empty and longing, even while creating their own wreckage. 

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Through an unlikely series of events and people who showed up in my life by divine design, that longing eventually led me to deeply personal spiritual encounter while reading the Gospel of Mark, recognizing Jesus is real as was my need for him. In an instant, I was made new, truly transformed, a continuing process for all of us.  It's been an extraordinary, event-filled, sometimes agonizing, ongoing journey that has included many helpful teachers, a hard-won PhD in self-help and surrender, and the support of assorted therapeutic resources, and above all, deep dependence on The Word (person and paper).

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The trip has involved big detours--a few of which I so wish I could have avoided--but now realize got me where I am today, The Potter's well-documented biblical and historical pattern of formation. My sometimes scenic shortcuts still left me wondering what I missed by going my own way, but I know God works it all for the good. I share what I've learned, which is God's design.

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Life continues to happen, as life is known to do. Yet my own path is one that affirms God’s immense love, creativity and power to transform. Importantly, not so much with my help or outstanding performance, but with my ongoing humble surrender, sometimes after suffering the mess self-will and I made trying to control whatever it is. 

 

Fact is, I have no idea what's best for me, much less you, but I know the One who does. Benedict of Nursia calls this ongoing conversion of the will, a posture of continuous surrender and re/turning to the Lover of Our Souls.

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This force that steps in when I finally run out of steam is no fluffy abstract, but an undeniably personal and practical resource. A kind and incredibly creative hand, so much gentler than the nasty committee of taskmasters in my busy brain. 

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Thankfully, I don't hang out in those dark places nearly as long; my pain threshold is much lower than it used to be. I'm enjoying every minute of life more than I could have ever imagined and I have tools to use when the old self stirs. Because they still do.

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For me, the answer lies in simple faith in an unconditionally loving God as the answer to every problem, the key to personal growth and purpose, and the only way to attain lasting peace, joy and above all, real freedom. He loves everyone and offers some pretty awesome sign-up incentives.

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Mind you, we don't earn anything through rules, religion or exhausting, self-saving effort--and all the collateral damage that inflicts on us and others. Who needs that? No, we get it through empty-handed acceptance of someone who knows us, wants the best for us, and loves us no matter what.

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I have found that the price of admission to this amazingly abundant life is pain. Though I really wish I could skip that part, I could not. It's not cruelty, it's simply the pain that comes with both being out of step with a world gone mad, while honestly facing our hurts and our true selves. In the Light of the gospel, we learn how even the best of us urgently need Saving. Every day. ​There's much more pain, time, and needless effort in resisting God's loving, Fatherly discipline.

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However, on the other side of the pain is unfettered lightness of being, full of fearless wonder, hope, peace and joy. Freedom!

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When Jesus died on the cross he said, "It's finished."

 

It really is. Because we simply cannot pull it off ourselves.

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That's really Good News. 

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I remain a work in progress. So are you. That's OK.